I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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