A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
