I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
