i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
