Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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