also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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