She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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