clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
birth control should be required to get into college
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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