The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
