dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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