I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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