mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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