Your face is a jimmy john
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
