Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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