Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.