This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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