just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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