So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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