Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
