I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
