so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
