I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
