the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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