the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
