Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
