I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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