It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
