y did u give ur computer a hand job?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
