Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think I sprained my soul last night
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the liver wants what the liver wants
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
