Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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