News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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