Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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