for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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