3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
