Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Farmville is her only friend.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
