I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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