She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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