If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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