Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
