i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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