After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
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Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
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I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.