put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow