My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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