omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
