Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
