a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
