hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
