she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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