There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
