Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
