Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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