Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
