those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
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I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
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I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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