yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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